Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
