I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
