don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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