please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
