i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
