If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
