I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
