hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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