You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
