he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i've created a new STD.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
