I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
