mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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