Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
