Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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