Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
