I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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