You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
