No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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