I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
