Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
