Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
