remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
being pregnant is like rehab
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
