He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
