Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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