Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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