Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
