hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
