too bad you live with your parents still
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
