You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
