i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The Olympian is in my bed
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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