I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
