The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
