I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
