he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
