shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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