I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
