I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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