I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
