i just wanna soil my oats bro
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
