She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
