it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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