Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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