Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
