that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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