I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
