while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
