How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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