My nipple is on Facebook.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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