i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
