Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
