If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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