I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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